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Cynthia was so angry and disappointed she could spit nails!
Her new manager at work never seemed to acknowledge her efforts to bring in new clients and in fact, completely ignored her…
Her adult daughter had once again failed to pay her car payment which left Cynthia having to pay it since she’d cosigned the loan…
She’d become increasingly jealous of her husband’s new coworker who was young, beautiful and smart.
He’d denied any attraction to this woman but Cynthia just couldn’t get it out of her mind that they’d be working together on projects and they’d fall in love.
Cynthia’s subtle (or not so subtle) accusations were beginning to create distance between them and erode their relationship…
But she couldn’t seem to stop.
In other words, Cynthia was an emotional mess and those closest to her had begun to notice her “short fuse” that often resulted in angry outbursts.
She knew it wasn’t healthy for her or anyone around her to continue down this path so she contacted us for help.
While she knew that showing her anger wasn’t necessarily “bad”…
The problem was that in these angry outbursts, she often said and did things she came to regret later.
She really wanted to meet all these challenges with love (and with a lot more calm) instead of fear…
But she didn’t know how to get there or even how to start.
As we talked, here’s some of what she discovered about choosing love instead of fear that can help you as well…
1. Know that you do have a choice
When you’re in the middle of what we call a “thought storm” that carries you into reacting from fear and in ways you later regret…
You can’t seem to see any other way to react.
This is where you getting conscious comes in and seeing when you’re acting on autopilot.
The choice is in the split second you see that your habitual reaction is optional…
That you can make another choice.
At first, Cynthia had a tough time seeing that she did have a choice when her emotions overwhelmed her.
But as we talked, in all these upsetting circumstances, she could see the thoughts that wound her up.
She could see that she had a habit of making up the worst possible scenario in each of them and acted from that belief inside her.
She saw that there could be other possibilities in those circumstances.
2. Slow down and give yourself time to get clarification
When you slow down, get conscious and allow the possibility for something other than your fears to take charge…
You have the opportunity to find out more information.
As Cynthia slowed down and became aware of her stories that kept her stuck…
She was able to ask her daughter about the missed car payment instead of instantly getting angry and paying it herself.
She also saw that expecting her new manager to act in the supportive ways her previous manager had done was setting her up for disappointment and resentment.
She saw she’d been pushing him away, making the situation even worse.
Finally, she saw that focusing so much attention on the fear that her husband would leave her for his new coworker had sucked the fun and intimacy out of their relationship.
When she suggested to her husband a weekend getaway for the two of them, he was pleasantly surprised that it didn’t turn into yet another unfounded accusation.
When she slowed down, she saw her part in creating these troubling situations and decided to make other choices.
3. Choose to love yourself instead of the illusion of protecting yourself
When you’re in the middle of an emotionally overwhelming situation…
You might think you’re protecting yourself by keeping your fear alive…
But the truth is that’s all an illusion.
The fear keeps you from the connection and love you really want.
Cynthia realized that she thought by constantly questioning her husband about his coworker, she was somehow protecting herself from pain.
She saw the illusion of this so called “protection” and how it actually was damaging her relationship by fanning her fear and making it so much bigger.
That’s not to say that you ignore what’s in front of you…
But it is to say that allowing the vision of a fearful future to take hold of you will more or less guarantee that future actually happens.
She realized that in not believing the stories she’d concocted about her daughter, her manager and her husband and keeping herself in a stressful state…
Wasn’t loving herself the way she wanted.