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I have a new grandchild. He is the first for my daughter and her husband, who live a two-hour flight from my husband and myself. At this writing, I am sitting in my daughter’s living room with an electronic baby monitor, watching my grandson sleep. My daughter is a freelance producer, and her husband is a law student. The back-to-real life that almost always comes too soon for first-time parents happened very quickly for this new little family of three, as daddy headed to the daily law classes and mama counted off the short days until she would return to being the sole provider for their household. Grandparents, aunties, and close friends have all banded together so that our little loved one can stay at home while mama works for these first months of his life. It is a privilege and an honor to be a member of the “nanny” team, and I wholeheartedly subscribe to the proverbial saying, “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged.”
My husband and I have seven adult children. Four of whom have children of their own. One is a single mother who is working and finishing her education. Each one of our grandchildren has moms who work to either fully support or co-support their household. Two of our sons-in-law are working on upper-level education. Every parent had differing periods in which they could stay at home with their children before returning to school or the workplace. Although there are some common threads, each family holds a different philosophy on how they choose to love and parent their children. All the families are in completely different dynamics than my husband and I experienced in our early years of parenting.
It is fair to say that alongside the great majority of the parents of my generation, many of whom are now becoming grandparents, one of our primary goals for our own children was that they would grow into capable adult human beings. This status for our children requires the difficult task of progressively releasing our baby birds into the wild and giving them wings to fly on their own.
Author Amy McCready notes, “…parents have to gradually let go of controlling their children’s lives if they want to maintain a successful, healthy relationship…well into adulthood and parenthood.”
As parents who have become grandparents and truly want the best for both our children and their little ones, it can be easy to fall back into a parenting role upon the birth of a grandchild. We may find ourselves dispensing unsolicited advice, sharing anecdotes on how we parented, and generally creating the stage for either a strained relationship or, more detrimentally, a codependent family dynamic.
As Christ-followers, our primary responsibility when it comes to our adult children and their children is to bring glory to God while reflecting Jesus well. Starting with the biblical mindset that children are a reward and grandchildren are a crown, we do well to remind ourselves that becoming a grandparent is a gift. To walk in the honored place of having a legacy of children and grandchildren is more privilege than right, carrying with it the solemnity of serving our loved generational family well. Serving your children well as they become parents can require humility. As my pastor often notes, to live the gospel well, we may need to step back and go low, offering ourselves as humble servants to the children we had the honor of raising to adulthood.
In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul shares a mindset for the body of Christ that can serve us well as we seek to serve and honor our children as they embark on the worthy task of parenting.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:2-3
Here are four ways you can step back and let your adult children embrace their role as parents.
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1. Convey Trust
As Christian parents and followers of Christ in general, it is imperative that we have an abiding understanding that our hope is first and foremost placed in God. This overarching hope undergirds our ability to convey trust in our adult child, both as a person and a parent. This truth stands even if your child does not share your faith or has sometimes disappointed you. Where possible, actively look for ways to encourage and affirm every good thing you observe within their parenting dynamic. As Scripture so graciously instructs, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
Remember to guard your words and use them as an offering of love. Avoid off-the-cuff comments, unsolicited advice, and phrases indicating how you might have parented when raising your children. Remind yourself of the present challenges in parenting in this generation that may not have been a challenge when you were parenting. Trusting your children includes showing them the honor of being slow to speak with regard to their parenting style. Offering trust and affirming your adult child as they seek to parent positively often will build safety in their relationship with you, leading them to invite you into their parenting circle as a respected advisor.
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2. Wait on the Lord
Isaiah proclaimed, “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 48:4
Grandparenting comes with a literal bundle of joy. Embracing a little life into the world can also come with a bevy of concerns and, in truth, fears when it comes to every detail of watching your children as they parent. Second-guessing their parenting process and hovering over them while telling yourself that you are just being a caring grandparent can cause conflict and strife in your relationship with your adult children.
Adopting a grandparenting philosophy that directly reflects your trust in God and his ability to carry, sustain, and rescue you and your children and grandchildren paints a beautiful picture of the gospel at work.
Take the opportunity to “Go Low” and example your faith by turning your concern and hopes for your children and grandchildren into prayer. We can aptly love others by regularly taking them to the throne of Christ and trusting God to bring about His will for them.
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3. AND Wait to Be Asked
As your children work through the joys and obstacles of the parenting dynamic, you can and should be ready and willing to help if you are in a situation to do so. Let your children know how delighted you are to be grandparents and that you look forward to building a relationship with your grandchild and helping in any way that is best for their family. Be honest about how you can help and encourage your child to let you know what is most helpful for them. Be available within your capacity, but avoid imposing. Once you have conveyed your willingness to help, allow your child the respect of setting the framework for how you will show up in their parenting construct.
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4. Speaking of Respect
The best grandparenting is birthed in mutual honor between the three generations. Affirm your adult child to your grandchildren, looking to call out what is lovely and admirable. From the time that your grands are newborns, you can speak words that build and encourage. A simple, “Your mom/dad is so good at…” or “They love you so much.”
Be aware of mom and dad’s guidelines and ask permission before buying a gift, taking your grandchild to an event, offering them foods that the parents may not consider part of their regular diet, or selecting programs or other media for them to watch. If you inadvertently cross a boundary, remember to act in humility and be quick to apologize.
Good communication with your parenting children signals respect. Listening, asking thoughtful questions, and actively seeking to show that you hear and value their parenting style encourages them to step into embracing their role as parents. Remember, parenting is not about your traditions but rather what is best for each child uniquely made in the image of God.
Grandparents who step back and let parents embrace their role have the opportunity to see their own children as the pride of their grandchildren. Proverbs 17:6 paints a beautiful picture of this dynamic.
“Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.”
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Originally published Thursday, 30 May 2024.
