Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

Your struggle to find good friends is a common one, as recent surveys revealed. Some have observed that making friends as an adult can be hard to do.

The fact that you’re interested in making new friends despite our society’s friendless norm is worth applauding.

But this brings us to your question. 

How? 

More specifically, how can you make friends with people who are, emotionally speaking, healthy enough? In other words, how do you find friends who would be interested in you instead of what you can do for them? 

It would be even better if these friends were mature enough to own their mistakes—whenever they do something that offends or hurts you—and try to repair the rupture.

But how do you build a friendship with this kind of individual?

Wrong Motivations for Friendship

I understand you’ve tried to be a good friend, only to be let down. I’m sorry about this crummy outcome. These things can—and do—happen, but there are ways to minimize the chances of you being taken advantage of. Let’s start by doing a little digging about why you do what you do—specifically, in the context of making friends.

Here’s what I mean:

Many have tried to form friendships based on emotionally unhealthy reasons, even if they weren’t necessarily aware of these factors. Some may be sacrificing copious amounts of time and energy because they’re driven by these needs: 

-Guilt avoidance

The Bible instructs us to do good works and be helpful (Ephesians 2:10, Galatians 6:9-10). However, we can be doing good deeds out of fear—of making God angry if we disobey, or being frowned on by church leadership. Depending on your theology, you might even fear that unless you obey the Bible word for word, your salvation is at stake. 

Please know, however, that doing things out of guilt will not pay off. 

-Preventing loneliness

Some who are desperate to flee loneliness might squash their own objections and stick around anyway, even if the company they’re with spouts off political ideologies that oppose theirs, consume addictive substances, use foul language, and so on. 

-To feel wanted or needed

Years ago, I used to know a guy who had to pay for everyone’s meal every time we dined out. Had to. He was polite about it, but he also insisted on paying, no matter what the total was.

Did he do it so we would crave his presence? I wonder. 

-To fend off rejection or abandonment

One sign you’re operating out of this motivation is if you’re always ready to accommodate, regardless of what others ask of you or how much you’ll have to swallow your own needs to make it happen. 

Self-Led Friendship

Now what?

The best way to make friends, according to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, is by being Self-led. 

If the phrase conflicts with what you’ve heard at church—because aren’t we supposed to rely on God and not ourselves?—let me translate. See the capitalized “S” in Self? That’s not a typo. The first letter in Self is intentionally capitalized to distinguish the IFS concept of Self from the usual meaning of the word. So, think of Self as our spirit, which houses the Holy Spirit (John 3:6). 

To be Self-led is to be led by the Holy Spirit.

How do we make friends by being Self-led? I’ll share three ways, but let me issue a fair warning first. These steps will involve talking to yourself and considering your soul as consisting of multiple parts, something that might feel funny at first. 

Still, I encourage you to give this modality a try. As for me and my clients—as well as scores of people around the world who have obtained breakthroughs using IFS—working with parts is an effective way to move forward.

1. Learn to Say “No”

I hear you say that you might have been a bit lax with your boundaries when you volunteered to be a good friend. If this is your hunch, go with it. Spend time with your internal world and be curious. Why didn’t you set firm boundaries with that friend?

Let’s say the answer is because there’s a part of you that feels obligated to people-please, so you often find yourself responding to requests with a uniform answer—always an affirmative, no matter what.

However, if you have mixed feelings about the request to begin with, answering a request with “yes” can trigger resentment. It might also stir up feelings of being exploited. 

All this to say, it pays to talk to any part of you that wouldn’t let you set or defend your boundaries. Get to know the part by asking it the following questions: (After you pose each question, don’t think up the answer. Just listen to what you hear on the inside. The answer from your part might come in the form of a memory, thought, or feeling.) 

-How long have you been doing this job for me?

-What do you fear might happen if you stop urging me to please others?

-Are you aware that pleasing other people comes with a price, like having to sacrifice my needs?  

-Would you be willing to stop people-pleasing if there’s a better way to live?

This part might have been pushing you to mutter a forced yes—instead of an honest no—so you won’t suffer rejection, which is why the next step is crucial:

2. Heal Emotional Pain

Is there unhealed emotional pain from yesteryear? Rejection, betrayal, being abandoned by your family or friends—all of these qualify for emotional healing. 

According to Psalm 42:7, “deep calls unto deep” (NKJV). Within the context of our discussion, this verse means we attract friends with a similar level of emotional health we possess. The healthier you are, the more you’ll attract people who have, similarly, pursued healing for their psychological pain.  

There are numerous routes you can take and still arrive at the healing of your internal world. Check out this guide to improving your mental health if you need a place to start.

3. Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable. This is true among Christians, with the best of friends, and even when your friendship is Self-led. 

So, consider confronting the friend who disrespected you. Or the one who took advantage of you. Speak from your heart and explain your hurt. 

If the idea of conflict resolution makes you squirm, however, help is here. The bonus chapter for my small book, Surviving Difficult People, is available for free on my website. If you download it, you’ll find one way of doing conflict resolution, broken down into bite-sized chunks. 

With that, I’ll bid you adieu.

May your future friendships be rich and fulfilling!

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Zorica Nastasic

Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.