admin Note: Domestic violence can go both ways, a woman can also be an abuser. For purposes of this article and to simplify the writing process, the words chosen for this article will be used as neutral as possible. Keep in mind that in situations of domestic violence, patterns and cycles of abuse remain the same and in tact whether the relationship is heterosexual, bi-sexual, or homosexual.
Domestic violence is one of the most common life situations in any given community. It is usually associated with those persons living in lower socioeconomic classes and often mythically believed to be most common in “minority” relationships or in families where one may abuse drugs or alcohol. These beliefs are indeed “Myths”.
The usual first question asked by any witness or loved one is, “why don’t they just leave?” This is called, “blaming the victim”. It is also in itself another form of exploitation and abuse. It not only discredits the victim, it also belittles or demeans the whole phenomena of domestic violence. It is likely that your loved one or “the victim” is not that stupid. If it were just as easy as walking away, I’m sure they would do that. Consider this article your first step in ridding yourself of that ignorance.
There is a level of dynamics that takes place that I believe to be the foundation of domestic violence; and sadly, it is the least recognized or discussed in your typical support group or counseling session. The black eyes and bruised arms are merely the aftermath of a long manifested pattern of abuse. The physical evidence is not where it begins. Domestic violence begins in the heart and mind, leaving bruises unseen and most damaging.
Common “red flags” (the brainwash steps):
– “You’re stupid”
– “Shut the hell up”
– “You make me sick”
– “F**k off!”
– “You don’t know”
– “It’s all your fault”
– “You can’t do anything right!”
– “I don’t like your… ”
Usually, by the time a battered victim enters into counseling, the damage is embedded so deep that they will find their self having to actually re-invent their self. They lost their individuality and uniqueness a long time ago and at a much deeper level than those bruises experienced by outside intruders or witnesses who so carelessly blame the victim for their situation. Healing the physical wounds and walking away is a minuscule step in the healing process.
Every intimate relationship begins in “love”. He/she is beautiful and he/she is great. It is a perfect world of exploring each other and fitting into one another’s world. There are unspoken dreams and ideas unfulfilled that are much anticipated. The abuse does not begin in the physical world; it begins in the emotional and mental worlds. At first, they won’t like your cooking or the way you comb your hair. You’ll try to change it to appease their desires. You want to be accepted and you long for acceptance and approval. This is the first “red flag” that should be noticed and addressed but it is often all too easily dismissed as “getting to know” each other.
The first and most important questions to ask in this situation are:
– Why do they want to change you?
– Is this a form of control?
– Why does you feel it necessary to change for their approval?
These questions left neglected advance the pattern of needing to change to please and making demands to please. This is the first and most dangerous step in the cycle of domestic violence. Once they do not approve of anything you do or are, it is time to turn and walk away in grace. Once you find yourself struggling to walk away, it is important to notice or at least be aware of the potential danger that is lurking around the corner. The demands for change will advance little by little but so quickly that they will be literally unnoticed. First it will be your hair, next it will be your cooking, then it will be your laugh, then it will be your friends, then it will be where you go and who you hang out with. It is a common pattern and one that is rarely discussed or given any attention. It is all too easy to be flattered by these demands as though they are attention providing in some way. “Awww, they are mad because they love me, I make them feel insecure”, “they’re so jealous, it’s flattering”, “they just miss me and want to spend time with me”, etc. etc. Be very careful if you catch yourself thinking these types of thoughts.
As a friend, loved one, or a witness to domestic violence, please make note and educate yourself on the vicious cycles that ensue in domestic violence. Let go of the ignorant desire to blame the victim for their situation and be aware that the physical markings are the after affect of a long embedded pattern that began in the heart and mind of a someone who had intentions of falling in love and being happy forever after. There is always more to the story than what is seen with the eye. By the time the physical markings are present, there is a long road of healing that needs to take place including the finding of oneself, the strength to carry on, and the will and courage to know that they will be okay as a person who doesn’t appease another’s personal desires. Wounds are deeper than the surface – and sensitivity, especially as a loved one, is eminent.
Prior to jumping to blame the victim, take some time to work on their self-image. Give them reasons to believe in their self, let them know they is worth loving and acceptance – not only from you as a loved one or as a witness, but as one human to the next. Express how beautiful they are just because they are alive and meant to be.