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Think about this for a moment: What if, when it comes to dating, what you don’t do matters more than anything else?
Let’s say you want to get into shape and adopt a healthier lifestyle.
To achieve this you not only need to workout regularly (To-do List), you also need to cut junk food off your diet (Not-to-do List).
Now apply the same principle to dating.
To find your ideal partner you need to not only have clarity on what you are looking for in a relationship (To-Do List) but also cut off toxic patterns that are stopping you from finding real love (Not-To-Do List).
Here are three “Not-To-Do” Rules that will change the way you date and remove the blockers stopping you from creating healthy love.
- Do not make your dating life a soap opera for your friends
“ You involve 4378 people and their neighbors into your private life, then wonder why things go wrong” – Samy Dindane
Remember the time you went on your first real date in 11th grade and it became national news in your friends’ circle?
We all fondly reminisce on the endless hours spent on “Oooo..Tell me everything” that was followed by a minute second-by-second dissection of your date.
That’s cute.
For a 16-year-old.
But you are not 16 anymore – so why are you still letting your friends use your dating stories as entertainment?
We all have coupled friends in our lives who want to know everything that’s going on in our dating life so that they can project, air their opinions, and judge your potential partners and choices.
They might even get a rise out of feeling superior that they ‘know better’ just because they’re married. But what might have worked for them, doesn’t necessarily translate for you.
Your life is not a soap opera so stop broadcasting it to people who can use it for gossip and entertainment.
This doesn’t mean you can’t ever share or seek advice. Just be conscious of when you leak energy and are setting yourself up to be the butt of the joke.
Keep strong boundaries and only share with people you trust.
- Do not have a “No Mentality”
I have coached hundreds of singles who emphasize that they are ready for a real relationship – but their actions speak otherwise.
These are the people who go on a lot of first dates but keep focusing on the imperfections of the person in front of them.
They are the ones who say they want a relationship but turn down setups from friends, people outside their ‘type’ and anyone who doesn’t fit into their romanticized idea of “The One”
But here’s the hard truth: “You had me at hello” doesn’t exist in real life, especially when it comes to relationships. It’s magical thinking, and it’s been distorting your reality since Cinderella to Love Actually to Bridgerton.
Making a checklist of the superficial qualities (ahem, height, money, profession, etc) stems from a place of ego, and when you decide to vehemently stick to this dating list – you’re passing judgment on potential mates before taking the time to get to know them.
While you shouldn’t compromise your standards on being treated with respect, mutuality, and kindness, you need to definitely cast aside what’s called ‘present bias’. This refers to the tendency to optimize for qualities that matter in the short term, but actually don’t matter in the longer term.
The first step to shifting from a ‘no mentality’ is to say ‘yes’ to dates with people who are outside your typical type. It prevents you from prematurely judging and discarding people who could actually be a good fit!
And it opens up the possibility for you to connect with someone based on their character and how well they treat you.
3. Do not expect that love will just fall into your lap
This one is for the die-hard romantic in all of us. Yes, you want the epic meet cute, but waiting for love to spontaneously strike is not an empowered approach to love. It’s a passive, wait for it to happen to me approach (if you can call it an approach at all).
It sounds simple, but the more people you’re exposed to, the more opportunities you have to access potential partners. You want to make sure you diversify the ways you meet people too.
Against dating apps? Did you know that 20{349a1fe8484632c1758ab7238785cd1da39cec4f415a6ecd08d53bb4b52ed1f3} of current, committed relationships began online?
Only use dating apps? Time to diversify. According to Bustle, approximately 39{349a1fe8484632c1758ab7238785cd1da39cec4f415a6ecd08d53bb4b52ed1f3} of people meet their significant other through friends.
Ask friends to connect you to new people, say yes to invitations, sign up for dance classes or a workshop to learn a new hobby, go to a cafe by yourself and strike up a convo with a stranger…. Chances are you have not exhausted different avenues of meeting people.
Want to learn how to create a healthy relationship?
Join my Dating Mastery program where I’ll mentor you to create healthy love.