admin Their names are Cady and Ginny. Well, those aren’t their real names: for the sake of their privacy, this is how I’ll call them. They’re two beautiful, blonde little girls. Ginny is about 4 years old, her sister probably around 5. When the ball we were kicking around rolled their way, they excitedly ran towards it, picked it up and asked if they could play with us. Of course they could!
The grass underneath our feet felt cool, and the big trees in the park gave a much welcomed shade to provide some freshness in an otherwise hot day. The freedom of kids to simply join in on a game is both admirable and infectious. So, not long after, two other kids asked to join us and the six of us connected. All it took was a soccer ball.
The girls’ mom was sitting on a bench. She looked young, yet there was something about her that told us she had been through a lot in her short life. At some point she stood up and joined our circle. After kicking the ball around to her kids a few times, she walked to her car and left. The kids were still playing with us, which seemed out of the ordinary. An older lady who had been sitting with the mom, remained seated on the bench. She would smile at us from time to time. I figured she must be their grandmother. So much for assumptions, though; It turned out that she was the girls’ foster mom and had taken the girls to the park for a visit with their mom.
After we were done playing — tired and contented — Scott and I sat down in the grass. The girls came over as well. Ginny was just about to put her arms around me and Cady wanted to sit on my lap, when their foster mom stopped them. “Girls, you have to ask first.” So Cady asked me if she could sit on my lap. Before I could answer, her foster mom said she could ask to sit next to me, not on my lap. Then she joined us on the grass herself.
She shared their story with us, how the girls grew up in a motel. They’d go from room to room begging for food, snooping through closets of total strangers. Not an environment for kids to grow up in. “What often happens with kids who grow up in a situation like that, is that they have no sense of boundaries. They’re not taught to respect the boundaries of others, which also means that they don’t learn how to set boundaries for themselves,” she explained to us. Sitting on a nice lady’s lap might seem very innocent, but if you don’t know how to distinguish who is safe and who is not, then you might end up in a dangerous situation.
What an amazing gift the foster mom is giving to these little girls! Having someone teach them boundaries is essential not only for their physical well-being, but also for their emotional safety and happiness. Boundaries keep us safe, both physically and emotionally, because they let us know what to welcome in and what to keep out. Essentially, it’s the power of “no!” and “yes!”.
While most of us weren’t raised in an environment unfit for children and therefore don’t have the lack of boundaries like these kids struggle with, saying “no!” and “yes!” can still be challenging for many of us. Especially when it comes to our close relationships, it can be difficult to say what we want or need. We may want to please the other person too much, therefore complying with whatever happens and hardly ever saying no.
The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss – an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. – is sure to be noticed. ~The Sickness Unto Death
Compliance breeds resentment. It may grow gradually, but eventually we get to a point where our dissatisfaction needs to find an outlet. I was talking to a lady the other day who mentioned that she has a hard time speaking her truth: “Eventually I’ll get to the point where I start crying for no apparent reason. Or I snap at the tiniest of things. It makes me feel even worse, guilty even, because I wonder why I can’t just be nice. But I know it’s because I haven’t expressed my needs in my relationship.” Internalizing your “no” can lead to physical stress, lack of self confidence, and for some even the belief that you do much better when you’re on your own.
On the other hand, boundaries can also be misused and turned into walls and fences. We’ll quickly feel indignant, have very clear ideas of what’s right and wrong without any grey areas, and have no problem vocalizing our opinion. We end up wondering why others don’t let us get emotionally close and feel isolated, but we’re not always aware that it’s because of those walls we put up. I’ve seen this lead to years of pain, even a sense of bitterness and resentment towards others.
Healthy boundaries are as much about saying “Yes!” to what ignites our inner fire as they are about saying “No,” (or “Not right now,”) to that which does not. Our commitment to creating & maintaining these boundaries is strengthened by creating a life we love – meaningful work, intimate relationships, ways to feed and express our creativity & spirituality. If we are not living that which we truly value, our boundaries will cave easily and we will find ourselves giving too much time & energy to that which others value (which may be something wonderful for them- but just not what has value for us.) – Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Whether we lean more towards the introverted or the extraverted temperament, research shows that all of us want close relationships. In fact, there is a relationship between our sense of happiness and the strength and quality of our connections. The desire to feel a sense of belonging seems to be innate within all of us. Healthy boundaries allow us to connect with others on a deeper level. Having healthy boundaries allow us to express our vulnerabilities. In feeling connected with others, we need to show ourselves. It means letting others in. Boundaries aren’t just about saying “stop!”, they’re also about saying “go!” to all things beauty and love – especially at times that we are hurting or when we feel ashamed, embarrassed, or any other emotion that leaves us feel vulnerable. Our ability to do so enables us to feel like we belong. It brings intimacy and connection to our relationships.
Being able to communicate what we like and don’t like, where someone crosses the line or what we need, is therefore essential for our own happiness as well as the level of connection we feel with others. How do you say no? Do you know what you say yes to wholeheartedly? Do you easily give in and focus on pleasing others? Does the way you set boundaries enhance your life and your relationships?
These questions are important to ask of ourselves, but what is even more important is our ability to affect change when we’re not in a place where we’re happy with our relationships. The foster mom I spoke of earlier also spends a great deal of time with Cady and Ginny’s mom, to teach her the same thing she is teaching the kids: Healthy boundaries. This is part of the journey of getting her children back into her care. It will allow her to take responsibility, to set clear rules for the kids, and to love and care for them.
Affecting this change can be a challenging and confusing journey. It’s a skill I have been uncovering and practicing for a few years now. In my experience as a coach I’ve discovered that this is so critical to happiness in life, that I’ve decided to devote myself to helping you establish a strong inner bond with yourself so you can truly and deeply connect with the ones you care about.